patience.
always had a problem with that one.
I think it's because i am restless; or maybe, because of the fact i long to experience everything. this desire to experience makes it hard to live in the present, a phrase commonly used as the cure all in yoga. be more present. love this moment...well, it's kinda hard when you want all moments right now, right? so i have often chalked this one up to the fact that i have no frame of reference of what 'present' even is.
but in my meditations as of late, i realize that it isn't because i don't have a frame of reference, but more or less because I am trying to get somewhere else. Always have; true confession. I practice yoga everyday as a means to get more okay with being present; but the fact of the matter is that i am 'trying' to be more okay with the present, and oddly enough it's working in some capacity. i now realize that it works so well because it engages my body to pacify the mind.
the body can reflect a daily practice; muscles become stronger, body becomes leaner. my mind, however, is still trying...even when my body is saying that i am already there. my body is even, in its own wisdom, expressing growth my mind refuses to accept; it still feels like it has to 'try' to be something else...hell, anything else. a different job, house, mate, experience, whatever. and because of my ridiculous belief that i have to try, my life is a series of attempts.
not that i am saying that my life is terrible, it isn't; but to be more at peace with myself in terms of accepting my present state of affairs in which i can only see the negative most times is a bold statement. and not just thinking about the positive things in my life, that's not quite it either...but more of a feeling of being at rest, which i think most people would like more of in their experience of living.
i have a feeling that much of my programming resulted in me taking only negative experiences in life to cause radical positive change.
but what if i decided it wasn't like that? i have systematically have been fed up with one situation to trade it in for a better one, but what if i was just at peace with what came into my hands, and continued making positive change because i wanted to?
honestly, it scares the hell out of me because it's such unusual thinking. the other day i told my fiance that having my ego was a good thing because it caused me to never look back and never go back to where I had been before. That's a statement most people would agree with; however, this ego problem is also keeping me from making certain goals a reality because I am so damn stubborn to not take a step back for the greater good, perhaps making dreams i never imagined possible for myself... so there you go.
so making positive change in my life just because i want to is a terrifying thought for me. it results in a lot of trust in the auto pilot that exists in all of us, as it is unfamiliar terrain belief-wise that i am not sure how to navigate.
it's just this habitual method of living my life has been that if anything happened that was positive it was because i had to fight my way through it, like the perpetual warrior i feel i have to be. part of my sad story I identify with, the sad story we all have that we turn to in our lives as a method of direction. for instance, i have a sad belief that struggling through my life to obtain things i want will make me appreciate it more, make others respect me more, or worse, nothing good will happen if I don't continually focus on changing...but the truth is that it's just programming. I don't have to struggle, I can just flow. Almost an unbelievable statement if it wasn't for the fact that there are people out there that do live their lives in effortless abundance in whatever capacity they wish; and through programming I have been taught to (insert negative adjective here) them.
so my goal for a bit is just to rest in what exists and to focus on what i want, and not put this ridiculous pressure on myself to try try try. i think that moment of rest i have been 'trying' to obtain through my yoga may be lying there in the center all along, and that auto-pilot i have been afraid to let handle the wheel knows a lot more than my cognitive mind does.
ooh, happy maha shivaratri! om namah shivaya, your presence is felt indeed. shiva, the great game changer...i asked, and listened...and he delivered in blog form.
bless!
-sarah
always had a problem with that one.
I think it's because i am restless; or maybe, because of the fact i long to experience everything. this desire to experience makes it hard to live in the present, a phrase commonly used as the cure all in yoga. be more present. love this moment...well, it's kinda hard when you want all moments right now, right? so i have often chalked this one up to the fact that i have no frame of reference of what 'present' even is.
but in my meditations as of late, i realize that it isn't because i don't have a frame of reference, but more or less because I am trying to get somewhere else. Always have; true confession. I practice yoga everyday as a means to get more okay with being present; but the fact of the matter is that i am 'trying' to be more okay with the present, and oddly enough it's working in some capacity. i now realize that it works so well because it engages my body to pacify the mind.
the body can reflect a daily practice; muscles become stronger, body becomes leaner. my mind, however, is still trying...even when my body is saying that i am already there. my body is even, in its own wisdom, expressing growth my mind refuses to accept; it still feels like it has to 'try' to be something else...hell, anything else. a different job, house, mate, experience, whatever. and because of my ridiculous belief that i have to try, my life is a series of attempts.
not that i am saying that my life is terrible, it isn't; but to be more at peace with myself in terms of accepting my present state of affairs in which i can only see the negative most times is a bold statement. and not just thinking about the positive things in my life, that's not quite it either...but more of a feeling of being at rest, which i think most people would like more of in their experience of living.
i have a feeling that much of my programming resulted in me taking only negative experiences in life to cause radical positive change.
but what if i decided it wasn't like that? i have systematically have been fed up with one situation to trade it in for a better one, but what if i was just at peace with what came into my hands, and continued making positive change because i wanted to?
honestly, it scares the hell out of me because it's such unusual thinking. the other day i told my fiance that having my ego was a good thing because it caused me to never look back and never go back to where I had been before. That's a statement most people would agree with; however, this ego problem is also keeping me from making certain goals a reality because I am so damn stubborn to not take a step back for the greater good, perhaps making dreams i never imagined possible for myself... so there you go.
so making positive change in my life just because i want to is a terrifying thought for me. it results in a lot of trust in the auto pilot that exists in all of us, as it is unfamiliar terrain belief-wise that i am not sure how to navigate.
it's just this habitual method of living my life has been that if anything happened that was positive it was because i had to fight my way through it, like the perpetual warrior i feel i have to be. part of my sad story I identify with, the sad story we all have that we turn to in our lives as a method of direction. for instance, i have a sad belief that struggling through my life to obtain things i want will make me appreciate it more, make others respect me more, or worse, nothing good will happen if I don't continually focus on changing...but the truth is that it's just programming. I don't have to struggle, I can just flow. Almost an unbelievable statement if it wasn't for the fact that there are people out there that do live their lives in effortless abundance in whatever capacity they wish; and through programming I have been taught to (insert negative adjective here) them.
so my goal for a bit is just to rest in what exists and to focus on what i want, and not put this ridiculous pressure on myself to try try try. i think that moment of rest i have been 'trying' to obtain through my yoga may be lying there in the center all along, and that auto-pilot i have been afraid to let handle the wheel knows a lot more than my cognitive mind does.
ooh, happy maha shivaratri! om namah shivaya, your presence is felt indeed. shiva, the great game changer...i asked, and listened...and he delivered in blog form.
bless!
-sarah
